“We all know interspecies romance is weird.” ― Tim Burton
Take one part X-Files, an equal serving of Jericho Barrons’ monstrous alter ego in the Fever series by Karen Marie Moning, or as Auralee has coined him the “ferocious beast” as in Maggie and the…, with a soupçon of The Host, combined with a heroine straight out of one of her novels. I meant Auralee Wallace, not Stephenie Meyer, which is a good thing believe me. Is there anyone alive who wouldn’t love to punch Bella Swan in the face, just once? Then consider the Herculean task of surviving on a planet almost but not quite like Hoth, the snow planet in The Empire Strikes Back and you will have an idea of what reading the unexpectedly delightful Ice Planet Barbarians is like.
In case I haven’t mentioned it lately, despite it’s faults, I love, love, love Goodreads. When doing my daily troll I noticed that Cara Bristol, author of the vastly entertaining Breeder series that I read last year, had posted a recommendation for an e-serial called Ice Planet Barbarians. Wait, what! I swear the title alone gave me pause however when I clicked on the description I was sold and one-clicked it immediately then proceeded to read it all in a single evening and stayed up WAY past my bedtime. Something that I will tell you, for those who don’t know me, I do not do lightly.
From Goodreads: You’d think being abducted by aliens would be the worst thing that could happen to me. And you’d be wrong. Because now, the aliens are having ship trouble, and they’ve left their cargo of human women – including me – on an ice planet.
And the only native inhabitant I’ve met? He’s big, horned, blue, and really, really has a thing for me…
Georgie Carruthers didn’t believe in aliens, truly, why would she? One moment it was just another Tuesday in Florida and the next she had been transported into terrifying nightmare that proved to be all too real. She awakens in the hold of a ship, caged with a dozen or so other kidnapped women. All 22 years of age, in good health and relatively alone in the world. Thanks to Kira, the one captive who had been outfitted with a universal translator, they know that they are cargo being transported across the universe for what can only be nefarious purposes.
Being a “take charge” kind of girl Georgie is not content to “let the chips fall where they may” but it seems that the fates have other plans when the starship malfunctions necessitating that they dump their cargo planning to return for it later. To say the planet is inhospitable would be a massive understatement. They coin the planet “Not-Hoth” due to its frigid temperatures and barren tundra. The women have no supplies beyond the clothes on their backs and face the very real possibility of dying, if they do not find shelter and food beyond the hold and what few provisions their alien captors had provided them with.
After she kills one of the tyrannical guards in their escape attempt and also being the one of the least injured in the crash, Georgie is the natural choice to go out and search for help and/or supplies. Unfortunately she is trapped while fleeing a monstrous carnivorous aquatic-type animal. Personally I would faint too if I was hanging upside down and saw something that resembled the abominable snowman, and not the one from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, approaching to see what they had snared!
“One of the things I’ve always liked about science fiction is the way it makes you think about things, and look at things from angles you’d never have thought about before.” ― Jo Walton,
It is at this point that $hit gets weird or weirder if you will, Georgie finds herself rescued by the fireman calendar equivalent of Sully from Monsters Inc. I apologize if I have ruined the Disney-Pixar classic for you but really… Seven feet tall? Blue? Furry? Tail? Horns? I’m just sayin’.
This whole damn planet is against me.
I’m feeling pretty miserable when Vektal sets me down in the snow and glares fiercely at me. “Saan tes.” He points at the ground. “Tes!”
“Stay here. Got it,” I mumble, feeling guilty. I cross my arms over my chest and wait.
He gives me an exasperated look and then heads a few feet away. I notice we’re right back at that stupid cliff with the buried cave. We’re right back where we started a short time ago, except in the meantime I’ve had half my hair pulled out by rabid yeti, acquired a few more bruises, and now he’s pissed at me.
I hate this place. I hate that it’s cold and it’s snowing all the damn time and everything wants to eat my freaking face. I hate that I’m wearing a smelly gross jumpsuit and that I ate raw meat and that there are a dozen girls up the hill who would probably kill to be in my place at the moment, and I can’t even feel grateful. – Ruby Dixon, Ice Planet Barbarians
For once it wasn’t Captain Kirk getting to bang the green chick or blue as it were. And who would have thought oral sex was the key to world peace or at least pretty darned close? When Vektal finds the strange female in his snare he is shocked to realize that the creature is actually his mate. What follows is a hilarious and X-rated courtship that has to be read to be believed. Now before you judge, read it first. I never would have considered relations with a blue horned alien prior to this at all titillating, well in truth I didn’t consider them at all. But then again my husband seems to often share a personality with Shrek so maybe I am just more open minded…
Ultimately, Ice Planet Barbarians: A SciFi Alien Serial Romance was all that I hoped Squirm by Cari Silverwood would be and sadly was not. Underneath the WTF synopsis was a story that was in equal parts sexy, humorous and sweetly romantic. I can only hope that she writes faster as I need the rest of the crash victims stories, well yesterday. Though I may never view Monsters Inc. in the same way again I enjoyed every word of this wonderfully ridiculous tale and have added Ruby Dixon to the list of my must read authors.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ruby Dixon is the seekrit penname of a NYT and USA Today Bestselling Author. Ruby, in conjunction with Ella Goode and Kati Wilde, is a contributor to the Motorcycle Club series. These are novellas for when you want all of the heat and emotion but don’t have all of the time. With word counts between 20,000 to 30,000, these sexy stories will deliver a hot romance between your favorite leather clad heroes and their amazing women.
Ruby also writes alien romance serials! Check out BARBARIAN ALIEN!